I. Abandonment

      Being alone in life sucks. But when you choose being alone it doesn't hurt as much as being abandoned. And that's what I decided to do a while ago. I decided to let go of the feelings I have for everyone around me, that I won't care about them anymore. A voice inside my head started telling me that love is just a thing to hold you back, a weakness. I know it can be a motive, but it also makes you a slave for that feeling, not for the person, but for the feeling of love itself. And then when the one you love goes away in any way or even decides to let go of you, your love becomes a curse, a beast that tortures your soul, you will feel helpless, weak and lost in your own thoughts of being worthless and just not enough. I know that my opinion about love may seem too depressing, but for me I find it so true. I also know that my fear of being abandoned outweighs all of my other feelings, that's why I kept killing my feelings intentionally until I became someone who doesn't feel anymore. I told very few people about how I think about love in general but they didn't understand it since they see that love is all shiny and beautiful. I know that love is beautiful, but I only focus on it's lethal side since I'm afraid of it. But now...do you wonder how I managed to kill my feelings?