Not a secret anymore

 I find myself wandering through the corridors of memory, desperately trying to pinpoint the elusive moment when happiness last embraced my weary soul. It's as if joy has become an ethereal whisper, a distant melody fading into the recesses of time. The elusive nature of true happiness eludes me, leaving only the bitter taste of numbness. In the labyrinth of emotions, I grapple with the echoes of forgotten laughter, searching for that elusive warmth that once painted my world in hues of contentment. The canvas of my existence, now daubed in shades of monotony, conceals the vibrant strokes of joy that have long evaded my grasp. Emotions, like dormant embers, lie buried beneath the layers of life's debris, waiting for a gust of wind to reignite the flames. Yet, when they surface, they emerge not as the gentle glow of happiness but as the raging inferno of anger. It's as if every suppressed emotion, every stifled sigh, transforms into a blaze that consumes the fragile fragment...

 In the depth of despair, one finds themselves enveloped in a shroud of numbness, a shield against the overwhelming onslaught of emotions. It is a defense mechanism, a coping strategy born out of an internal battle between the heart and the mind. The surrender to darkness is not an act of defeat, but rather a conscious choice to navigate the treacherous terrain of existence, stripped of the vulnerabilities that accompany human sentiment. In this desolate landscape, feelings become foreign entities, estranged from the realm of comprehension. They morph into nebulous apparitions, haunting the edges of consciousness, taunting with their elusive nature. Every attempt to grasp them proves futile, like trying to hold onto smoke or capture the essence of a fleeting dream. The mind, craving logical thinking, yearns for structure and order, finding solace in the barren simplicity of reason. It resists the chaos that emotions bring, for they disrupt the carefully constructed facade of contro...

 The world had become an abandoned wasteland, a desolate realm where the echoes of laughter and the warmth of human touch were mere memories lost in the howling winds. For nine long years, I roamed this forsaken earth, a solitary figure caught in the suffocating embrace of loneliness. There was no one left to share my sorrows, no one to bear witness to the torment that consumed me. The sun rose and set, indifferent to my plight, casting feeble rays upon a lifeless landscape. In the beginning, there was anger, a seething rage that burned within me like a relentless inferno. I shouted into the empty abyss, my voice swallowed by the void. I raged against the cruel hand fate had dealt, cursing the universe for its indifference. But as the years wore on, the fire dwindled, leaving behind only the cold embers of resignation. Days merged into nights, and nights into days, as time became a meaningless blur. I wandered through cities reduced to ruins, their once vibrant streets now silent a...

 In the depths of the human soul, where shadows dance and anguish resides, lies a profound and desolate emptiness. A numbness that stretches its icy tendrils across every inch of being, rendering even the most vibrant emotions dull and lifeless. This barren wasteland of the heart is a harrowing abyss, where pain and agony intertwine, weaving a tapestry of darkness that suffocates any semblance of joy or solace. In this realm of numbness, emotions are but a distant memory, locked away in a forgotten chamber. Laughter becomes a hollow echo, devoid of genuine mirth. Tears, once a release for the burdened spirit, are now an elusive visitor, unwilling to grace the parched landscapes of weary eyes. The palette of emotions, once vivid and diverse, has been drained of all color, leaving behind only an ashen gray. But amidst this desolation, one emotion remains. Rage, like a ferocious beast lurking in the shadows, is the sole companion in this desolate journey. It rises from the depths, fue...

 I came across this old blog by chance today. Well, it wasn't by chance, I remembered, out of nowhere, that it exists. And I spent A LOT of time trying to remember my account or the name of it to find it and read what I once wrote. For the past 2-3 years I've wondered what I was like then, before my current state. I used to constantly try to search within my memory for something to remind me of my past self. Until I found this blog, and I was stunned. For the first time in a very long time, my mind just stopped, I was completely stunned while reading it. It was hard for me to believe that..this..was me. At the same time it gave me a lot of answers, and it made sense, it even makes sense now, knowing how it started and how I became what I became now... You're probably wondering "so how are you like now?", not as if anyone will read this even after I'm long gone, but let me tell you briefly what I am like now...or maybe in some other post since I will be posting...