Not a secret anymore

      I love solving problems in general, any kind of problem, it's my passion to do so, I like listening to other's problems if they decided to tell me and I really put so much effort trying to help them overcoming it. I build an illusion in my mind that I am the one whom in this problem not them, and eventually it gets solved, either by solving it if it's solvable or by helping them moving on if it's like a memory or something that took place in the past that can't be changed. That's why Sudoku is my favorite game so far because it's a puzzle that needs to be solved. Plus, I see that it is not just a game, it really has some deep meanings. It really taught me something, it taught me that for every problem, for every missing piece of puzzle, every missing number, there is a solution, always, if the solution is not within the box it can be within the row, it can be within the column , the solution can even be in a whole different number or a series of number

      Will it be remarkable if I commit suicide on my birthday? I have put this question into my consideration a while ago but.. Is it time to put the idea into action?       I am not capable of discussing my mental health state with anyone anymore, maybe because I’m embarrassed by it or what people will think of me. It often becomes awkward and some people even stop talking to me altogether. Some don’t get it. That’s okay. There’s a lot of illnesses I don’t understand either. Some get annoyed: ‘How can you be sad, what do you have to be sad about, you have a great life. You have me, isn’t that enough for you?’ That's why I stopped talking about it and explaining why I am not okay. And now I want to end my unexplainable miser, but I think I will end up with a dismal failure and I won't be able to actually do it.       I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’m a very sick person and I need help, but there’s none forthcoming. Not from any external source and I’m not

      Three years ago I tried killing myself but I failed. I thought that I was weak because I couldn't be able to end my misery, I feared killing myself even though I wished to die every single day. Then it turned out it wasn't weakness, it was hope. I thought I had lost hope but it turned out I had the slightest glimmer of hope back then, and that committing suicide was the actual weakness. I decided then to change my life and I succeeded, and I felt so proud of myself that I didn't just escape my problems, they were unsolvable problems so I changed the way I looked at them. Instead of hoping for them to be solved, I decided to just let go of the past and create my future, and I succeeded in that.       But what about now? Why am I so suicidal? I know that suicide is such an extreme form of escapism but what if I want to escape? Escape from myself. I am being hunted down by myself, by my suicidal thoughts. I close my eyes I see myself committing the harshest ways of sui

      I killed my feelings, not all of them, but the ones that were bringing me down. I overcame most of my fears too, except one, which is the fear of losing someone I love, that's why I worked on killing my love for pretty much everyone around me. They stay, they go, I don't care anymore. I killed the love I carried inside me by making sure that I never forget how badly I felt when the ones I loved gave up on me so easily and just left, that I never forget how much I gave, for how long I stood up for them. I am not talking about a specific person here who just left, I am also talking about friends, friends can break your heart too.       There was a specific person who had a very special place inside my heart, who knew all of weakness points, all about my trust issues, all of my fears, a person whom I loved truthfully, whom I was pushing myself to exceed my limits just to make proud, whom blew away all of that for no reason. This blow came out of nowhere shattering all of w

      Being alone in life sucks. But when you choose being alone it doesn't hurt as much as being abandoned. And that's what I decided to do a while ago. I decided to let go of the feelings I have for everyone around me, that I won't care about them anymore. A voice inside my head started telling me that love is just a thing to hold you back, a weakness. I know it can be a motive, but it also makes you a slave for that feeling, not for the person, but for the feeling of love itself. And then when the one you love goes away in any way or even decides to let go of you, your love becomes a curse, a beast that tortures your soul, you will feel helpless, weak and lost in your own thoughts of being worthless and just not enough. I know that my opinion about love may seem too depressing, but for me I find it so true. I also know that my fear of being abandoned outweighs all of my other feelings, that's why I kept killing my feelings intentionally until I became someone who do

      Here I'm writing what is really happening inside my head. The way I think. The way it really is. There is no word that can describe my mental state right now other than drowning. And I don't have anyone to talk to about what is really happening, even though there are a lot of people in my life, or as I should say... the life I pretend to have when I'm around them.