III. Suicidal Thoughts
Three years ago I tried killing myself but I failed. I thought that I was weak because I couldn't be able to end my misery, I feared killing myself even though I wished to die every single day. Then it turned out it wasn't weakness, it was hope. I thought I had lost hope but it turned out I had the slightest glimmer of hope back then, and that committing suicide was the actual weakness. I decided then to change my life and I succeeded, and I felt so proud of myself that I didn't just escape my problems, they were unsolvable problems so I changed the way I looked at them. Instead of hoping for them to be solved, I decided to just let go of the past and create my future, and I succeeded in that.
But what about now? Why am I so suicidal? I know that suicide is such an extreme form of escapism but what if I want to escape? Escape from myself. I am being hunted down by myself, by my suicidal thoughts. I close my eyes I see myself committing the harshest ways of suicide. I can't stand it anymore. Plus, pretty much everyone around me noticed how depressed I've become lately even though I am trying to hide how I feel when I am around people. But it became too obvious, the dark circles under my eyes, the pale skin, my half closed eyes all the time, I can't stand the light anymore because of the lack of sleep I get. BUT WHY DO I FEEL THIS WEAK?! And at the same time this weakness kinda feeds a part of me. The weaker I feel the stronger I become. I don't know how to explain this exactly and I know it seems weird, but it's like every time I feel weak and then my sadness transforms into uncontrollable anger, I get much stronger, then I feel weak again, then much stronger, and so on. But I hate living within these hiccups. I hate feeling weak and at the same time I LOVE the power I feel after that. You may be asking why I don't stay strong if I hate being weak, and the answer is "I don't know". I just can't control myself sometimes and I go cry till my eyes hurt so much and I can't stand the dizziness I get to feel, and when I get to this point everything suddenly shifts and I feel so angry, and strong. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think anything can stop me if I collected the courage to commit suicide, since I don't think I believe in god anymore, and this was one of the major reasons I stopped myself from actually doing it before. I don't mind going to your imaginary hell since I am already in a real one right now.
But what about now? Why am I so suicidal? I know that suicide is such an extreme form of escapism but what if I want to escape? Escape from myself. I am being hunted down by myself, by my suicidal thoughts. I close my eyes I see myself committing the harshest ways of suicide. I can't stand it anymore. Plus, pretty much everyone around me noticed how depressed I've become lately even though I am trying to hide how I feel when I am around people. But it became too obvious, the dark circles under my eyes, the pale skin, my half closed eyes all the time, I can't stand the light anymore because of the lack of sleep I get. BUT WHY DO I FEEL THIS WEAK?! And at the same time this weakness kinda feeds a part of me. The weaker I feel the stronger I become. I don't know how to explain this exactly and I know it seems weird, but it's like every time I feel weak and then my sadness transforms into uncontrollable anger, I get much stronger, then I feel weak again, then much stronger, and so on. But I hate living within these hiccups. I hate feeling weak and at the same time I LOVE the power I feel after that. You may be asking why I don't stay strong if I hate being weak, and the answer is "I don't know". I just can't control myself sometimes and I go cry till my eyes hurt so much and I can't stand the dizziness I get to feel, and when I get to this point everything suddenly shifts and I feel so angry, and strong. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think anything can stop me if I collected the courage to commit suicide, since I don't think I believe in god anymore, and this was one of the major reasons I stopped myself from actually doing it before. I don't mind going to your imaginary hell since I am already in a real one right now.
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