IV. Today Is My Birthday
Will it be remarkable if I commit suicide on my birthday? I have put this question into my consideration a while ago but.. Is it time to put the idea into action?
I am not capable of discussing my mental health state with anyone anymore, maybe because I’m embarrassed by it or what people will think of me. It often becomes awkward and some people even stop talking to me altogether. Some don’t get it. That’s okay. There’s a lot of illnesses I don’t understand either. Some get annoyed: ‘How can you be sad, what do you have to be sad about, you have a great life. You have me, isn’t that enough for you?’ That's why I stopped talking about it and explaining why I am not okay. And now I want to end my unexplainable miser, but I think I will end up with a dismal failure and I won't be able to actually do it.
I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’m a very sick person and I need help, but there’s none forthcoming. Not from any external source and I’m not able to help myself. I hate myself and I keep hoping to die. I’m a joke and my mind doesn’t function properly anymore because of the lack of sleep I get. Just now trying to write that last sentence, I had another one of those terrible feelings I have, that I can’t put into words. I don’t know what the emotion is, I really don’t. It might be anger and frustration at a level that I can barely handle. Helplessness. I tense up and I sort of grit my teeth. I hate myself so much during these moments and I don’t know what to do. I do know that it hurts, unlike anything else. And I hate it.
I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t. Right now I have this awful feeling in my stomach. I’m so afraid. I feel like this more and more often. Like this and the frustration I mentioned before. And I hate it. I HATE it. Please don’t think that I like feeling this way, that I want to. I don’t, okay? I fucking HATE it. That anger is happening again. And again.
I am not capable of discussing my mental health state with anyone anymore, maybe because I’m embarrassed by it or what people will think of me. It often becomes awkward and some people even stop talking to me altogether. Some don’t get it. That’s okay. There’s a lot of illnesses I don’t understand either. Some get annoyed: ‘How can you be sad, what do you have to be sad about, you have a great life. You have me, isn’t that enough for you?’ That's why I stopped talking about it and explaining why I am not okay. And now I want to end my unexplainable miser, but I think I will end up with a dismal failure and I won't be able to actually do it.
I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’m a very sick person and I need help, but there’s none forthcoming. Not from any external source and I’m not able to help myself. I hate myself and I keep hoping to die. I’m a joke and my mind doesn’t function properly anymore because of the lack of sleep I get. Just now trying to write that last sentence, I had another one of those terrible feelings I have, that I can’t put into words. I don’t know what the emotion is, I really don’t. It might be anger and frustration at a level that I can barely handle. Helplessness. I tense up and I sort of grit my teeth. I hate myself so much during these moments and I don’t know what to do. I do know that it hurts, unlike anything else. And I hate it.
I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t. Right now I have this awful feeling in my stomach. I’m so afraid. I feel like this more and more often. Like this and the frustration I mentioned before. And I hate it. I HATE it. Please don’t think that I like feeling this way, that I want to. I don’t, okay? I fucking HATE it. That anger is happening again. And again.
Comments
Post a Comment